From my mid-teens I began to experience these really weird highs (whilst sober), when it would feel like I could run a million miles or fly. They would come on really suddenly and last maybe a few hours at a time, no more.
It was someone else pointing it out that drew them to my attention as being unusual.
I was out shopping on my own one weekend, when I saw a friend from school who I’d been best friends with for years, but not seen since we’d gone our separate ways for college. She was in the shop and I called to her across the shop and waved. I was excited to see her it had been a while. She didn’t seem quite so pleased, but suggested we meet in an hour for a coffee. Slightly confused I agreed (I found out later she was probably shop lifting and I’d drawn attention to her and her mates in the shop!).
When we met later she brought her friends with her. They were slightly older than us, but this was not unusual as we had often hung out with an older crowd. I was excited to see her and began asking what she’d been up to, how things were going etc when one of her friends leant across the table and asked me what was I on. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and said so. He laughed at me (which made me feel *really uncomfortable) and asked again.
Again, I repeated that I didn’t understand what he meant, and looked to my friend for clarity. She seemed uncomfortable and looked away, so he leant right in (again too close for me, I don’t like people in my space) and said, as if he was talking to a small child, in a low voice “What drugs have you taken and where can I get some?”.
“Nothing, I haven’t taken anything!” I replied. He laughed and said I must have, and asked why I didn’t want to tell him where I’d got them from. I was totally bewildered and looked to my friend, who also looked really uncomfortable, as she looked at me and said “He thinks you’re on speed or some kind of amphetamines”.
You may wonder why the conversation is still so clear in my head all these years later. Well, this was the first time anyone had openly identified, or commented specifically on one of these highs in such an overt way. I was 18. I have no doubt that they had been going on longer, as I think back to school and family occasions, when I was told off for talking too much in what were probably inappropriate situations. And when someone you’ve never met asks you where you got your drugs from and refuses to believe you’re not on any its really uncomfortable. Suffice to say once he knew he wasn’t getting anything from me they got up and left. It was all very awkward and uncomfortable (turns out he was a prolific drug dealer and was probably trying to work out who was selling on his ‘patch’). But it left me with a realisation, that those ‘highs’ I was experiencing weren’t ‘normal’ and not something everyone was experiencing – not naturally anyway. I have to say this experience had one positive outcome – I have never taken any class A drugs in my life.
It wasn’t until I was in my early 30’s, and I had decided to go to university, that at last I finally met someone else who experienced these highs. It came up in conversation one day about how you deal with depression. By now I almost always knew when the highs were on their way. But, I also knew they were followed very quickly by the worse possible come down, which could last a week or more, sometimes several. I was still in the habit of running with the highs at this point. Why wouldn’t I? It’s the best feeling you can get without taking anything. But I knew I would have to pay for it afterwards.
After a prolonged ‘down’ which lasted several months, and made me worry I wasn’t going to come out of it, I decided I needed to deal with the ‘highs’ and the ‘lows’ differently. I wondered if it would make a difference if I stopped running with them when they came on. So I started telling my partner when I thought one was coming, so they could support me to keep my feet on the ground so to speak. It sort of works. Not always. I still get the high and the low, but if I don’t wipe out all my energy in the moment of the high, I can sort of deal with the lows better. Sometimes I don’t see it coming and by the time either of us realise what’s happening it’s too late.
Another thing that has helped me with dealing with the Rapid Mood Cycles (RMC) is quitting alcohol. One of the main problems when I ran with the highs was my propensity to drink alcohol. They sort of ended up going hand in hand and clearly this was never going to be a good thing. I have now been sober for just over 4 years – my last drink was 25 March 2014 to be precise. It doesn’t stop me having RMC or depression, but it does help me keep a clear mind when I do get them. And I’m not suffering the effect of alcohol as the low hits.
I don’t take medication. I have been offered it, and when they gave me the RMC diagnosis as part of my ASD assessment, they again said that whilst Aspergers isn’t treatable, my RMC are. If I want to treat them. It is my choice to remain untreated by doctors with drugs. No, I don’t enjoy the way I feel, but it is who I am. It is me. And it is my choice to experience that. I don’t judge anyone else who does choose to be medicated. Everyone is different. I know RMC are associated with bi-polar disorder, but I am not bi-polar.
Every now and again, when I feel them coming on, I want to run with the wind in my hair again. But knowing that the black dog is waiting around the corner for me I don’t.
*I have since learnt that the discomfort I feel when people laugh at me is not unusual for those with Aspergers. Especially if there is no obvious joke (and sometimes even what NT people consider to be obviously funny I don’t get) I am unlikely to understand why people are laughing, and may well ask what is so funny. This can trigger further laughter from the NTs and a sense of disbelief that a so called intelligent woman cannot grasp simple humour. Trust me, for me it’s not funny. It can become quite distressing.
Awkward Demographic 